Perfection in relationships, as in other areas of life, does not exist. A relationship grows gradually in health and strength because two people commit themselves to it and both work very hard and patiently to achieve a give-and-take balance. It requires a willingness for each to give a not 50%, but 100%. It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with an abuser who will not admit his problems or seek extensive professional help for them.

Persons who like themselves, believe they have rights, and have their boundaries in place then to be attracted to and attract healthy relationships. Healthy relationships may begin in ways that seem similar to unhealthy ones. Two people may be attracted to one another because of mutual interests and "chemistry" and feel the high of being in love. Feeling this way in the beginning of a love relationship is natural and exciting, but it is not realistic to imagine that this intensity can be sustained for long. A mature, healthy relationship grows slowly and patiently beyond that, with both partners willing to give commitment, thought, and work to building a deep sharing of life together. Romance is kept alive by growing love, thoughtfulness, and hard work by both partners. All relationships, healthy and unhealthy, vary in duration, intimacy, and balance. They do not stand still, but rather are constantly evolving.

In a healthy relationship, partners are equal and neither is in a position of control. They are best friends. They trust and depend on one another and are not in competition, so the need to keep up one’s guard does not exist. They are willing to listen to one another and try to communicate honestly and clearly, never assuming that the other is a mind reader. Each is willing to acknowledge shortcomings and work on them and is not afraid to say, "I’m sorry." Each partner makes the other feel his or her best—supported, accepted, appreciated, and loved. It is an extra dividend if the partners have a sense of humor!

In the midst of unavoidable stresses in today’ world, we all suffer from pressures of external events such as death, loss of a job, and moving. We also must come face-to-face with the pain of life’s deepest terrors an struggles—ultimate aloneness, fear of death, the meaning of life, and the search for our identity. The presence of mature, healing companions—be they an intimate partner, other family members, or close friends—supports, strengthens, and encourages us as we confront these challenges.

As they emerge from abusive situations, most women find it a meaningless exercise to consider aspects of healthy relationships as achievable realities. These women usually are feeling confused and guilty, are grieving, and are in no mood to look at what might be considered daydreaming nonsense. Stinnett and De Frain (1985) have done considerable research on strong families, and believe their observations can provide guidance and encouragement to women whose sense of family has been destroyed.

These six qualities allow members of strong families to interact, connect, and reinforce each other to form a net of strength all around them.

If you are a woman alone, a single parent, or burdened with non-supportive, destructive parents and siblings, you may feel discouraged and may believe that the qualities of the strong families just described are unachievable for you. It is true that at this moment your family is not intact, but if you study the qualities one by one you may discover that at least some of them, despite your situation, are already present in your life in relationships with your children, friends in the group, or coworkers. If they are present, you have an opportunity, with your new awareness, to work on strengthening them. If they do not exist for you now, you can explore ways to develop them through new contacts, groups, volunteer work, church, and so forth.